Hail Aunties!

Disclaimer: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only. Biggies who find this irrational and disrespecting, are not advised to read along. And once again, I don't have anything sort of a rift with parents, mine or yours. I am not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any inspirational or eye-opening remark.

So, my destruction of Indian Society, its people and its values continues yet again. When I sat up to write, I thought of the subject. There were a lot in the reckoning, like the Indian Rail, Administration in Engineering Colleges, The Indian Youth, and a few more; but there was one that won the race hands down. This, Hail Aunties, is a tribute to the modern aunties. Read along this satire based on my real life experiences.

Scene 1:
Aunty1- “He went to the Public Works Office and shouted like a demon there. After fifteen minutes of shouting they at last sent a man to fix the things in our house. The whole thing was settled in just around an hour. Acha when would be your thing settled?”
Aunty2- “Are don’t ask behan. He never likes to argue so much. Says, ”I am not like all of them- dogs.” Only written a complaint and that too before this week. And see, those dogs haven’t come yet! When will he understand, I don’t know.”

Scene 2:
A1- “Did you know they broke yesterday.”
A2- “What? I didn’t know! How did it happen? Must have been a love marriage.”
A1- “No. I know, it was a forced arrange marriage. Actually…”
A2- “No No. It MUST have been a love marriage. I can bet…”

Scene 3:
A1- “No. This should’t happen. Archana should only marry Manav. No one else! How could they do this to Archana? Such huge sacrifices and still she is deprived of her love? Not good!”
A2- “Why? Do you still watch Pavitra Rishta? My daughter never lets me watch- She watches that Big Boss then. What to do, she never studies, she’s like mad for Salmaan! What’s happening now?”
A1- “Why don’t you come to my home then? We will watch and chat together.”

Scene 4:
Aunty- "So, how are things going?"
X- "Everything is not going good, madam. My son didn’t do well at school. I thought what good is study to him, so I put him to my work. Looks like he is still that small kid, keeps getting late and messing up things. I beat him up every night, but he keeps committing the same blunders everytime."
Aunty- "Don’t worry. He has inexperience now. Let him do what he wants. Only then the good will rise out of the bad in him."
X- "What to do madam? I am getting old now. My legs are giving up. When I go to home after work late at night and have a turn of solitaire with friends and some wine inside my body then only I live for the next day. Otherwise what would happen of us?"  And this talk goes on. And on.
(This conversation takes place at around 9 - 10 o’ clock at night for 20 minutes or more. And, for your information, X is just someone like the Milkman. Nice.)

Scene 5:
A1- “I have got a photo of Dayal Babu’s daughter, look at it. Beautiful, isn’t she? They are searching a good groom for their daughter. I instantly thought of your son when I heard this. They were saying they have thought of someone, but I insisted, and told them to wait till I get his photo. Acha, can you give me a good photo of his? Or, does he have time to go with me and meet the Dayals?
A2- “No, No. Actually, we have thought of someone earlier. Actually, he has already chosen the girl, some lower one, but what to do, he is our son! He pisses on our face and we would have to endure it!”
A1- “What? Lower Caste? Her family must be happy. She doesn’t have much principles like we have. I still have a little more photos, only if you want to see…”
A2- “No, behan. Leave this topic.” Long silence. “Bloody lower caste.”


See? Practically, these aunties are spread all over our country! And almost exclusively, this bunch lives on the agenda of screwing up their already screwed up husbands or sons. Not believing me? You would, if you have read it till now. Anyhow, I am almost certain that they would make up great criminal lawyers. An aunty syndicate! They are all over and are multiplying every minute like rats!

See… this is what aunties do. They are annoying. Really. But don’t fear for I have a strategy to counter these WMCs (Women of Mass Chaos). All you have to do is play along. Well, I have noticed that aunties have an ego the size of Titanic’s Anchor! HUUGE! So, just play along. Inflate it to whatever extent you can and enjoy the rest. Trust me, there’s nothing more entertaining than an ‘inflated’ aunty. But mind you, only do this after ascertaining the mental influence of these WMCs on your parents. If they blindly follow the aunties’ convictions, you are screwed, man. And big time.

Well, here’s the parameters for identifying them(Mind you, I have done a lotta research into this.)-

•Middle aged (99% of them irritating housewives);
•Always carrying a vegetable basket or some shopping bag(mostly containing a new saree);
•Always ready with suitable matches: Boy, Girl, Horse.. /20s, 30s, 40s/ Divorcee, Single/ Stable, Retard/ Own community, Other community, Majority, Minority, Minority within majority.. etc etc. Man!!
•Always ready for/to gossip;
•Always your mother’s best friend !!
•For most common-minded guys: Almost always has a hot daughter who somehow is never in their ‘suitable match’ list for you!!

Okay, this is too much. If you liked it, then spread the awareness. Else.. Else what? I don’t Care, anyways.

And, as the saying goes. picture abhi baaki hai, mere dost..